ThatNorthernBloke

Picture the scene: a misty Tuesday night at Molton Road, the floodlights flickering like they’ve been wired up by a man who once electrocuted himself on a toaster.

Lynden Gooch is stood arms folded, captain’s armband strangling his bicep, glaring at Emmanuel Sabbi who has once again sprinted the full length of the pitch only to trip over a stray Lucozade bottle.

Whispering Barry mutters something about “the cheetah outrunning its own shadow” before wandering off to harass the linesman about his sock choice.

And yet, somehow, this chaos feels like destiny — it’s raw, unfiltered Goochball.

A Rough Start

A new FC title always brings with it a period of adjustment. I even just spent the last three months playing with cards that have all 99 stats and five PlayStyle+’s. We’re back to whatever non rare gold cards we can get our sticky hands on, and of course, there’s the inevitable gameplay tweaks that justify charging us £90 yet again.

Except this year the gameplay changes are… more extensive. The most significant change is probably to defending — gone are the days of the AI helping you out when you mistime a tackle. We’ve been plunged back into a world where defending is very manual, and a misplaced press of the X button causes your player to perform a tackle 16 yards away from the attacker, who’s already nipped passed and fired a ball so hard into the top corner that your goalkeeper actually gave birth.

I’d describe the defending on FC26 as sadomasochistic — it’s punishing, but in the best way possible.

Now, I won’t pretend that this has been a wholly enjoyable experience for me as, in three of my first four games, I faced up against a newly juiced Viktor Gyökeres – the Swede swatted aside Naomi Girma as if she were a greenfly on a warm summers day, while Cameron Carter-Vickers was sent into so many knots I’m pretty sure he’s replaced Bear Grylls as Chief Scout.

It’s been a rough time for Phallon Tullis-Joyce too, who has seen her goal be peppered more than a steakhouse on Valentine’s Day. She has made some good saves, but it also appears that her legs are made of Play-Doh as she seems incapable of getting down to even some of the easiest shots.

Challenge Time

So, having got a few games under my belt, it felt like the right time to bring in the first Challenge of the season. I have most of the big players I can feasibly afford without taking out a second mortgage, so losing a player, while frustrating, wouldn’t be the end of the world.

What consistently looms over me is the threat of administration. I’ve had a couple of lucky pack pulls which has seen me ensure the club coffers are definitively less cobwebbed than usual, and to lose that amount of coins early on would be devastating.

So we really want the gods (whichever you support is fine) to bless us with a challenge that’s achievable.

Challenge: Get enough points to earn the upgraded Rivals rewards for the week.

Now, I bet you’re thinking ‘that’s a nice one to ease him in!’ and trust me, I thought it too… at first.

And then I started playing games.

Defending the Defenceless

You have to remember that, like me, the people who have been playing FC in Early Access are largely degenerates with nothing better to do with their lives. They are the hardest of try hards. The sweatiest of sweats. The rattiest of rats.

And, given that I’m playing games on my lunch break and not even really on an evening, the problem is compounded ten fold. I’m playing the wannabe streamers who treat the trick stick like they’re going at a throbbing clitoris, the actual streamers who’s literal job it is to play the game, or the basement dwellers who have specifically taken the whole week off to spend every eye-twitching, Monster-fuelled minute to no life Early Access so they can earn some shit rewards from a football game they hate but can’t put down.

So that’s fun.

I’m not sure if the devs in Canada got a bit confused as to what kind of sports game they were coding, but it seems it got slightly confused with NBA as every game is a basketball score.

Admittedly, this has largely been my fault — defending is very manual, and when CCV is the one twirling like a Russian ballerina trying to catch the attackers, you have to remember this isn’t FC25 and the AI won’t be there to save you.

It used to be that you didn’t touch your defenders because they did the work for you — the same rule applies now, but for the opposite reason. If you touch them and make one wrong move, your opponent is clean through with precisely zero chance of you catching them.

All of this has meant that I mainly maintained a record of one win, one loss for a long time. Many relegation scraps ensued, and I managed to only dip into Div 8 once during a particularly bad five-game losing streak.

## The Rise of the Swan

The natural thing to do when you lose is to consider everything that could have gone wrong except questioning your own ability.

You get pumped 7-0? Clearly it was the tactics. Lose to a last minute wonder strike? Your central midfield couldn’t pass wind.

FC26 has epitomised this for me, as I think I have played just about every fucking formation on the planet.

This has meant lots of players going through the team in various roles, however there have been some standout performers who have survived the majority of the changes.

Mallory Swanson is a demon. She has played a variety of roles, including LM Inside Forward++, False 9++ and LW Inside Forward, and her stats show exactly why she was someone who was always going to be in the squad.

Thrown up top almost by mistake, it was a tactical gamble inspired by none other than Barry. 3-2 down in a crunch relegation game, Barry leaned in and whispered, ‘The swan who climbs highest reaps the rewards’.

To be honest I didn’t have a fucking clue what he meant, but throwing caution to the wind I switched out Biyendolo, who’d run her socks off up top, with Mallory Swanson.

What came next was nothing short of a miracle. She wriggled. Spun. Darted. She split defences like they were crumbling render on a Wigan council house. Her runs from deep were Beckenbauer-esque, her finishing matched that of Prime Henry.

Forget Alex Morgan. Forget Mia Hamm. Forget Lynden Gooch. This is the age of the Swan.

In 51 Games she bagged 55 Goals and 31 Assists, making her both the top scorer and creator in the club.

Lindsey Heaps has also been a revelation. Playing in a largely attacking midfield role, I can’t express how important Incisive Pass+ has been in unlocking defences. She has 31 goals and 20 assists in 43 games for us, and is already becoming a key member of the squad.

Last but not least is our Pre-Order Icon Caroline Seger. While many will be disappointed to have pulled her, she has been solid and dependable in both attack and defence. To say she’s largely played CDM for me, she’s chipped in with 13 goals and 15 assists, and is generally just brilliant at breaking up the play. I’m mega excited for her to go full Pokemon and ‘evolve’ in November, gaining a big stats boost and Intercept+.

The Rise and (Inevitable) Fall

When FC giveth, FC taketh away. Swanson was still scoring, but every miss, every draw, every smashed crossbar felt biblical. My Early Access form was consistently on a knife-edge, just one slip, one poor tackle away from plunging me into relegation.

By game 30, my record was battered and bruised, my ego more so. I was edging closer to that magical 30 Rivals points, but at what cost?

Trinity Rodman was someone I was very excited to use. On paper she has everything you want — pace, finishing, good roles and excellent Playstyles. But in reality I just couldn’t seem to make her work. She felt sluggish and clunky in tight spaces, and when she did get in behind she was constantly caught. She chipped in with goals but ultimately she’s been sold for the time being before any market crashes.

Phallon Tullis-Joyce was always going to have a tough time in between the sticks, however she’s been really disappointing. She’s not small, so I can’t blame it on that, and she has good Playstyles, so I can’t blame it on that either. She’s just… a bit shit. Like a condom that’s been kept on a pin cushion, she’s leaky as fuck.

Tim Howard is the obvious replacement, however he’s nearly 100k. While I can afford that, I’m thinking that money might be better spent upgrading other areas of the team for now.

Finally, Cameron Carter-Vickers has been decent enough, but nothing stand out. I expected his physicality to have an impact at both ends of the pitch, but I’ve walked away most of the time just thinking… meh.

Towards the end of the week I replaced him with Emily Sonnett and honestly the difference is night and day. Sonnett has that jammy-ness to her, she wins the ball cleanly, keeps up with defenders and is good on the ball. So for the time being, Emily is my girl.

Challenge Results

You may (or may not) be pleased to know that the Challenge was completed this week — I hit 30 Rivals points in around 30 games, which was pretty brutal if I’m honest. And the rewards? Well, they were fucking woeful. I sold my soul for 30 Rivals points and got a jumbo pack with three contracts and a stadium theme nobody asked for.

## Who’ll be the Cornerstone of my team this week?

The first full week of the game’s release sees a brand-new promo — Cornerstones.

We’ll have see whether we get any super Americans that could fit our team, as we look to go on a slightly easier Rivals run as more people fire up the game.

Whispering Barry mentioned something around the Ghost of Villains past preparing to protect me during the toughest time, but honestly I think he might be on LSD-induced come down after a week in Ibiza with Sam Allardyce. Maybe the new promo will shed some light on his cryptic words…

Until then, YEEHAW!