Gooch to Glory | Episode 6 | The Ghost & The Villain

Week Two Record

A cool breeze snakes its way across the Molton Road pitch. The smell of hot dogs and chicken balti pies lingers in the night air, and the floodlights spark into life with a single, sad bulb flickering as if wired by a dyslexic gerbil.

After a rough opening week, Lynden Gooch rallies the lads and lasses, a speech grounded in North Eastern grit that is designed to embolden the strong and weed out the weak.

Barry, a perennial enigma, slowly paces the technical box. I can tell he has something on his mind, and one final time we pass like ships in the night as he slopes off to the dressing room.

We’re 3-2 down and my frustration is boiling over. We were in control, two goals up thanks to our Swan flying high.

But my experimental 5-2-1-2 formation has left us in tatters. An overloaded midfield, exposed wings and a certain Cameron Carter-Vickers has allowed our opponent to capitalise.

The straw that broke the camel’s back though? Phallon ‘Play-Doh’ Tullis-Joyce comes to claim a cross, only to flail like a baby falling backwards into water, leaving an open goal and the easiest finish Viktor Gyökeres will ever have.

I smash a water bottle on the floor, and it flies off into the path of Emmanuel Sabbi who’s warming up on the touchline. He steps on it. Snap. ACL gone.

However, as the water from the crushed bottle sprays up across the tunnel in the unnaturally cold evening air, there stands a lone silhouetted figure in the mist.

Everything around me falls quiet. There’s no more crowds shouting ‘you’re a wanker’. I can’t hear Goochy barking instructions, nor the sound of Sabbi writhing in pain. No, there’s an eerie, muffled quality to everything, until Barry’s words from last week cut through the silence and ring in my ears…

“The Ghost of Villains past prepare to protect you in your darkest hour.”

At that moment the figure starts towards me. As the light hit him I could see his bald head shine like a beacon. He adjusted his gloves which looked like they were straight from 2008. His knees looked stiffer than a pensioner’s, but his gaze never averted from the goal. He gave a snort of derision as he lumbered past me, a subtle sign that he was here to be the Cornerstone of our team. The linesman already had his number up.

Tullis-Joyce was gone, and there was a new sheriff in town. And his name?

Bradley. Edwin. Guzan.

Cornerstones & Clean Sheets

The full release of FC26 has arrived, and with it a new promo to get our teeth stuck into. If you weren’t already aware, Cornerstones has been good to us.

From the intro you might have gathered that we have a new goalkeeper — Atlanta United’s Brad Guzan has entered the chat, and oh boy has he made an immediate impact.

If you read the last episode you’ll know that, like a Thai brothel, clean sheets have been difficult to come by.

Not only have we been facing the mega-sweats in Early Access, but Phallon Tullis-Joyce has been, frankly, as abysmal as my defending.

Of course, as the week went on we did get to grips with the defending mechanics and we have improved, but PTJ still had arms made out of wallpaper paste.

So Guzan’s inclusion in the promo was music to my ears, and for the princely sum of 12,000 coins it was a no brainer to bring the former Aston Villa and Middlesbrough stopper into the fray.

And what a difference a Brad makes.

I was nearly bowled over when, in his first game, Big Bad Brad kept a fucking clean sheet. I genuinely couldn’t believe it. He dived across his goal, denied fidget-spinning shots inside the area and came for crosses to grab the ball like he was Vinnie Jones having a go on Gazza.

It was a revelation.

Formation Formation Formation

As much as I’d like to, I can’t place all of my (very brief) success at the feet (or hands) of Brad Guzan.

Having tried almost every formation in the book, I decided to stop shoehorning my players into a system, and build one that fit them. Due to the relatively cheap nature of the Women’s players, many of my squad have ++ roles, which I’ve noticed seems to make a big difference this year.

Barry and I put our heads together and analysed what we had — it was 10pm and we’d already sunk six pints of coffee and a whole tub of Fruit Pastilles before Baz went out for some fresh air.

He tilted his head back into the night sky. The steam from his breath mingled with the stars… and suddenly he saw it. The formation. The way forward.

Rushing back in, and without saying a word, my bleary eyes watched as he got his tactics board and magnets and furiously plotted out how we would succeed. And by Jove he had it.

As the plan came into view, it was something I’d not thought of before. A 4-1-4-1.

It utilised the best of what we had. Swanson as a LM Inside Forward++, supported by Rose Lavelle on Box-to-Box++ and Heaps on Playmaker++ giving some attacking support.

Trinity Rodman would provide width on the right hand side as a Winger++, allowing Goochy to slot into a midfield role as a Falsback. Anchoring the whole thing was Swedish Bob Seger, who’s Holding++ would help to break up attacks.

The formation had balance, attacking flair, defensively stability. This was it.

Rose & Rodman Redemption

The change was instant. Trinity Rodman started playing like a woman possessed. While I would have liked to have seen her score more goals, in her first 6 games she bagged 5 assists. Not only that, but she stretched tired defences and allowed space for Heaps to push forward and dictate the play.

Rose Lavelle is honestly mental. She is one that has come in and out of the team, mainly due to not having CDM as a role. However in that B2B position she’s an unstoppable force, and she’s everywhere like crabs & clap at Leeds Fest.

Whether it’s breaking up play and driving into midfield, or firing Low Driven+ passes into the striker, she has become a mainstay in the squad over this last week. At just 8,000 coins she’s cheaper than a steak dinner and is more likely to score.

Myself and the Molton Road faithful are still in shock and awe over Brad Guzan. A man of his age should be sitting on a dock, drinking Bud Light and fishing. But no, he’s here to flip cars and keep clean sheets, and he’s all out of cars.

I genuinely didn’t know if I would get a shut out on FC26, but thanks to Brad we’ve achieved multiple this week. Not only is he just fucking massive, but he’s spritely for a veteran. I’ve seen him pull off moves that no man should be able to do, let alone one who fought in Vietnam. Probably.

I mean, it takes him a while to get back up again thanks to those creaky knees, but the ball is always so safe it doesn’t matter — he either punches it, or the striker, into the stratosphere.

Not only has he showcased his shot-stopping prowess, but he also has Ball-Playing Keeper++. Genuinely, not a fucking clue what it does, but he’s spraying it around like a Fireman, so it’s doing something.

Turns out Barry was right about that Villain coming to save us, just like when he said he once saw Doncaster’s Brian Deane nutmeg Diego Maradona in a charity game, but nobody noticed because a ferret was loose on the pitch at the same time.

Challenge Time

Much like the dreaded Tuesday night EFL Trophy fixtures, our challenge is here to de-rail our week and aim to make us thoroughly miserable.

This week we will be Running The Gauntlet.

New for FC26, the Gauntlet mode forces you to use three separate squads across three matches, showcasing your club’s depth and your ability to use players who might not make your first team.

I’ve highlighted Squads above because, as well as your starting XI, you also cannot use the same bench twice, meaning you need a total of 54 players across the three matches.

Of course there are prizes up for grabs, in the form of useless packs from which we’ll get nothing, but our challenge is to win the Gauntlet.

Day One: Hope Day 1 got off to a super start, grabbing a win in our first gauntlet match using our USA squad. Two more matches followed, and typically I got fully EA’d. Every bounce went against me, every deflection went in, and I lost in rounds two and three, meaning we failed on our first attempt.

Day Two: False Dawn Day 2 was the polar opposite — and early loss followed by two wins, and it was just as frustrating as we dominated those second two matches.

Day 3: Rage Day 3 was much the same story – a tough 3-0 loss in the first round followed by comprehensive 8-2 and 4-0 wins, and it was evident to all that my frustration was boiling over.

Cameron Carter-Vickers showed better reflexes than he has all season to dodge a stray boot I kicked in his direction, and with good reason — should we fail in our final attempt to run the gauntlet, we have to do a forfeit.

Despite our blistering form in Rivals, where we got 9 wins, 1 draw and 2 losses to smash through our 30 point target, The Gauntlet has proven a tough nut to crack. Due to the random, round based matchmaking we’ve consistently come up against one sweat who plays the game in its frustratingly meta way, and then we’ve dominated the other two fixtures.

We need to break this cycle, so I think I’m going to switch my team order around for day four and hope that makes a difference.

Day Four: Absolute Fuckery Well, fuck. I’ve been absolutely shafted by EA and their fucking potato servers. Honestly, I think it would be more effective if I plugged my Ethernet cable into a toaster and then dropped it in the bath. It would certainly be a more enjoyable experience. After grinding out two wins, including a dramatic penalty shootout victory in Game 2, I was dominating Game 3.

I was 5-2 up in the second half and then I got absolutely EA’d. Not only did it feel like my players were running through mud, I’ve seen softer touches in that face slapping competition where they re-arrange each other’s jaws. I’m not quite sure where every motherfucker has got the funds to buy a 171,000 coin Viktor Gyökeres either, but they have. And against my nimble but rather feeble female CBs he’s absolutely had my pants down and inspected my prostate. The guy is a freak of nature.

I lost the game 5-7 AET. Pure and utter devastation.

Not because I wanted Kudus, but because a failed challenge means the Wheel of Pain & Panic comes out for the first time this series.

Barry rolls out an old Wheel of Fortune wheel with post-it notes attached to it with our forfeits. He blows off the cobwebs and gives it a good old spin.

Mercifully, it lands on ‘quick sell a random player from the first team squad’ — not the best, but certainly not the worst — and importantly it’s not administration.

We then draw out of a hat who’ll be leaving Molton Road in a taxi like they do once they’ve been fired on The Apprentice, and the unlucky man is none other than Cameron Carter-Vickers.

It’s a sad farewell for a bloke who’s played 54 games for the club, but the slight sliver of silver lining is that, when we achieve our next promotion, we can bring him back into the squad should we wish. But for now, back to Glasgow you pop CCV.

Looking Ahead

It’s been a stellar week of Goochball for Lynden and his assortment of plucky yanks. Not only did we achieve our Rivals points in record time, Brad Guzan has given us a steely edge at the back which we were desperately lacking.

Despite Big Bad Brad entering the fray to save us this week, I get the tingly feeling that we won’t be able to enjoy this honeymoon period for long. Dark clouds are forming above Molton Road and Barry whispered a strange prophecy in my ear…

“The golden child will run like lightning, but lightning cannot strike without thunder. And when the thirteenth bell tolls, a Sargant shall march his army to battle — though victory will demand a heavy sacrifice.”

Honestly, I reckon he’s been eating some ‘funny brownies’ again while watching Viking documentaries and Game of Thrones.

Tune in next episode where we see if we can grab any more Cornerstone players, and if our latest positive run of form will come undone.

Until next time, YEEHAW!