Episode 1 | Here Comes The Pain

I say it every year, but it’s becoming increasingly apparent that my masochistic tendencies are a real problem.

I’m not saying EAFC25 was bad, but it was frustrating. It was like those dreams you have where you’re running towards something really enticing, let’s say, Margot Robbie or a big slice of pizza, and you are running so hard, reaching out with every fibre of your being, but you just can’t get there. Your legs are pumping but the ground ain’t thumping.

It was very close to being a good game, but as always EA decided to patch it into oblivion early, only to never actually fix a lot of the broken mechanics until it was too late.

I mean, fuck me, they had to give away a free Zinedine Zidane, Jude Bellingham, Maradonna and Franz Beckenbauer just to increase retention and player numbers.

For FC25 I decided to go with a Borussia Monchengladbach P&P squad, which I have to admit was fun. I’ve ended the cycle with some club legends, including Tim '“Smallservice” Kleindienst, Jonas Hofmann, and my favourite, the Future Stars Icon Rocco Reitz.

This was me easing myself back into the series, having taken a break from FC24 thanks to my twins entering the wild savages stage of their toddlerhood, and generally just having less time due to work being crazy.

As the twins get older and are now in nursery, and I settle into a new remote job, I find myself with slightly more time to devote to one of these series. I’m not sure who will actually read these, but fuck it, as Robbie (Williams, not Margot) would say, let me entertain you.

A New Era

Now, I do like an EAFC challenge. I do try and avoid the meta, because these rats need to be humbled. I’m here for a good time, and that means using players you love, evo-ing the ones you don’t know, and creating a legacy that lives on for years to come, much like the classic FUT days.

One thing I really wanted to do going into EAFC 26 is use women’s players — having taken ‘24 off and running a Gladbach team in ‘25, I’ve only used them fleetingly in friendlies and for objectives since they were added to the game. And it’s not as if EA haven’t juiced them — you look at some of the top female players and they are head and shoulders above their male counterparts when it comes to stats, if not stature.

This means a hybrid approach between the men’s and women’s game is entirely feasible, which also means a one nation team is likely going to be my friend when it comes to chemistry.

I began by going back to FC25 and seeing how many women there were from each nation, which would give me an idea of which might be the best mix.

The results are as follows:

USA: 260 Spain: 258 Germany: 257 France: 150 England: 99 Holland: 49 Sweden: 38 Canada: 34 Switzerland: 29 Scotland: 28 Austria: 24 Brazil: 23 Denmark: 22 Italy: 22 Japan: 22 Norway: 21 Australia: 19 Portugal: 18 Rep. Ireland: 18 Poland: 17 Nigeria: 14 Wales: 11

Now, I do want to have a good mix, so while the obvious choices of Euro finalists Spain and winners England might look appealing with decent numbers and top stats, I feel like that would be too easy given the quality of both the men’s and women’s teams from those nations.

Canada has some interesting choices, with Alphonso Davies, Jonathan David and FC25 legend Bombito leading the charge for the men, but the quality quickly drops off — no one wants to be stuck with Scott Arfield pulling the strings.

Portugal is another than intrigues me, but while the men have an abundance of talent and some great Evo options, the women do lack the quality to even make a starter squad that will be semi-competitive.

One that truly caught my eye, and very nearly become the theme for this year, was Nigeria. With the likes of Kanu and Jay Jay Okocha as heroes, both the men (Osimhen, Lookman) and women (Oshoala, Ajibade) have some amazing talent that would give me great options — my only concern is a lack of depth, with relatively few gold options available it means I’d be reliant on Evos to bolster the squad.

While last year I would have said ‘fuck yeah!’, the introduction of paid Evos and their prevalence towards the end of the FC25 cycle has made me cautious — who would have thought EA would monetise the best part of the game?! Wild, I know.

America, Fuck Yeah!

So, what theme ARE we going with this year?

Well, we’re Making America Great Again, without the dose of fascism and authoritarianism. Hopefully.

The USA ladies boast a huge wealth of talent — and actually, in a turn up for the books, are better than pretty much all of their male counterparts.

While Sophia Wilson and Trinity Rodman might be out of my reach early doors due to their rapid pace and clinical finishing, the likes of Rose Lavelle, Mallory Swanson and Lindsey Horan should be easily attainable in the early game. On the men’s side, we have Captain America Christian Pulisic, as well as Spurs Legend* Cameron Carter-Vickers. Sergino Dest & Antonee Robinson add some pace to the full back roles, and we have a starter team that’s looking tastier than an iHop brekkie.

There is a caveat to my American Adventure — I’m introducing the concept of Wildcards for this year. This is mainly thanks to Pablo Aimar being added to the list of Ultimate Team Heroes — Aimar was one of my favourite players growing up, and I loved watching him, David Albelda, Vincente, David Villa and Mista at Valencia, and I couldn’t be more excited to try him this year.

However there is one oh so small sticking point… he is anything but American. He is, in fact, very Argentinian.

Wildcards allow me to use Icons or Heroes in my team who aren’t from the USA. However, this in itself does have rules. If it’s a new Icon or Hero being added to the game for FC26, I can either pack them or complete an SBC.

However, if it’s a previously added Icon or Hero (that isn’t from the USA), I can only use them as a Wildcard if I pack them. That means that, should a miracle greater than the resurrection of Christ occur and I actually do pack an Icon or Hero, bingo! They’re in the team.

And with that, Stars & Stripes FC is born. USA! USA! USA!

The (Not Boring) Rules

Normally, rules are boring as fuck. But not this time.

Because while we want to keep the core of our group together, what’s better than a bit of jeopardy? I once asked one of my best friends what would make a series like this entertaining for him, and he replied, “seeing you in as much pain as possible.”

So there’s that. Who needs enemies eh?

I believe there is a formula for entertainment — as the amount of pain someone experiences increases, the amount of enjoyment someone gets from watching that person in pain also increases.

Obviously, I’m not talking about 24 Hours in A&E here… more the I’m a Celeb kinda entertainment. Okay, it’s not a perfect formula.

I’ve not implemented any team restrictions early on, as if FC25 is anything to go by I’ll be up against super squads within 6 minutes, and I don’t want to be rolling into Rivals with silver players.

So my limiting factor will be budget, obviously, however if I do start to fail then there will be punishments (and pain).

Each week I’ll have a challenge to complete, which could be something as easy as score 20 goals in 8 games, hit upgraded rewards in Rivals, or as difficult as win a match with only GKs, or the dreaded ‘let my wife pick my team’.

The scale and scope of those challenges will evolve throughout the season as my team improves, and if there is actually anyone reading these, then please do send in challenges for me to complete! You’ll get a shout out, and I won’t be paying for them, but you’ll be… featured?!

Should I win the challenge, I get to open packs (which isn’t really a reward, knowing my luck). Should I fail the challenge… well, out comes the Wheel of Pain & Panic.

It is absolutely as dramatic as it sounds, because this is not a wheel I want to be spinning. The number one thing on this wheel I want to miss is Administration.

If I land on this, I have to buy something for the total amount of coins I have, then quick sell it, leaving me with nothing but my tail between my legs, and my assistant manager and myself sharing an office chair in a hole-ridden Portakabin which smells of squirrel faeces.

Of course, in real life, when a club goes into Administration, they lose points, often resulting in relegation.

Our fate will be no different – if we go into Administration, we get to utilise the shiny, re-instated relegation feature and drop a division, stunting our progress towards eternal glory, a golden statue outside the White House, and our very own arsenal of semi-automatic weapons.

In terms of the other delightful items for us to land on, we have:

Needless to say, I will be hoping to avoid failed challenges — should we get the challenge where we have to play with players under 5’4” though, we might be in trouble.

I’ll have more information on the challenges I’ll start with in the next post, but for now, the challenge is set! We’re off to the States, and we’re going to metaphorically shoot shit up.

Yeehaw!

DJ