It was a grey Friday morning when I got the news. A close family bereavement out of the blue meant I had to rush out of the Molton Road gates, leaving our enigmatic coach, Whispering Barry, in sole charge of the team’s fortunes while I took two weeks’ compassionate leave.

The following are Barry’s weekly reports to me, updating me on the performance of the team in my absence. It is completely unedited.

Week One

To: The Gaffer (wherever he may be) From: Interim Manager & Prophet-in-Residence, Barry Subject: Slight Chaos, Good Vibrations

Gaffer, firstly I wanted to once again send my condolences for your loss. The lads & lasses have fashioned black armbands out of the skins of roadkill badgers, much to the glee of the local farmer’s association.
I told them that Sue, the resident Vegan ticket lady, wouldn’t be too chuffed, but Brad Guzan took her to one side and said he wanted to Make Animals Great Again. I think she bought it.

Lynden also led the tributes in the warm up before the game by skying a cross into the next county. It felt fitting.

A cold wind blew across Molton Road. The pigeons formed a perfect V in the sky, and I knew the spirits of Division Six had appointed me their humble vessel.

After a dreadful first performance and in absence of your guiding hand and inspiring words, I took it upon myself to motivate the team at half time in game two through the ancient Mongolian art of throat singing. I think the frequency resonated, because we came from 3-0 down to win 5-4 in what was, frankly, one of the most spiritual experiences of my entire existence.

I also changed the warm up — I went on a West African coaching course during my mid-twenties and Rondos are so last year. We’ve moved on to silent prayer while facing west at 2.43pm. One of our new signings said it was complete and utter bollocks. He went on to score two goals from left-back. Coincidence? I think not.

I also took it upon myself to do some wheeling and dealing while you were away — I hope you don’t mind.

I wrote the names on the back of a packet of Benson & Hedges. I don’t smoke but I think it improves my street cred to have them on me. Sandra (you know, club secretary) managed to make contact with the agents and get the deals done.

We did have to send back Josh Benson and Ryan Hedges though — I think ol’ Sandy had a bit of a malfunction, and they don’t quite fit the profile of the club.

Good news though, Josh Sargent has finally landed, as well as a new & improved Rose Lavelle, complete with snazzy new look. Oh, and remember that bloke DaMarcus Beasley who played for Man City when they were a bit shit? Well, he’s in the door as well.

Performances

I’m not gonna lie Gaffer, it’s been a mixed bag. The good news is we won ten games, earning our upgraded rewards. The bad news? We lost 12.

I’m not sure what it was — maybe your absence had more of an effect than we anticipated, or maybe it was the fact I drew up a 3-3-3-1 formation on the tactics board, with the magnets spelling the word “BARRYBALL.” I think it was divine geometry so I refused to change it.

As it says in Corinthians — or possibly the Carabao Cup rules — ‘Blessed are the ones who press high, for they shall inherit possession.’

I also accidentally registered myself as a substitute goalkeeper. It was lucky, really — Guzan got a nosebleed so I strapped up and came on, but I conceded immediately to a back-pass. I think it was “magnetic interference” and I take no responsibility for the loss.

I’m sure next week will bring improvements — I’m already knee deep in organising a team bonding session, although I have lost the club debit card, so I’m paying for sandwiches with a half-filled Costa Coffee loyalty card and tickets to our next game.

I’ll report back next week Gaffer, stay strong, and don’t fear the loss. It’s like a kebab after a night out — a bit messy, a bit burnt, but you scrape off the char and there’s still something worth chewing. Rebirth, innit.

Barry

Week Two

To: The Gaffer From: Barry, The Mystical One Subject: Abject Terror & Temper Tantrums

Gaffer, we have a problem. There’s no easy way to say this, but Cameron Carter-Vickers is a killer.

The week began well. Josh Sargent was properly fired up for Monday’s training session. So much so that he literally set his boots on fire, head butted a hole in the dressing room door then sprinted around the training pitch 16 times.

Whenever I’d call him over to start the drills, he’d just bellow back ‘FOR FREEDOM’ and continue running. I’m not convinced he’s not still out there right now.

Whatever he did worked though, he has 15 goals in 12 games and skin now matching his ginger hair.

We gained a lot of points on Friday (13 no less), which was promising — however due to international fixtures we had the weekend off.

That’s when things started to go wrong.

Probably best we move onto the small matter of Cameron Carter-Vickers, our resident murderer-in-chief. It all began when I encouraged the players to bring their pets to the next game to act as therapy animals. Lynden Gooch naturally brought in his Golden Retriever, Ballson. It was pretty obvious he would have the most loyal, happy-go-lucky pet known to man, but it did keep nibbling Sabbi’s shoelaces when in the dressing room.

That was the catalyst to a series of… unfortunate events.

Excited to get his first run out, Sabbi slipped on his boots as I whispered some prophetic words in his ear…

“When the cheetah learns to pause, the storm will find its rhythm. The man of pace will trade chaos for clarity, and in stillness, goals shall come.”

Problem is, shoe laces unknowingly shredded, there was to be no clarity for our Emmanuel — only chaos.

A mere 7 minutes into a rare start, Sabbi was making one of his trademark erratic runs down the right flank, much like a Wide Receiver in the sport of his homeland. Unfortunately, he ran over a slightly raised sprinkler in the turf, which in turn caused his boot to fall off (see: shredded laces) — he sliced his foot boss. There was bone. And vomit.

Grief stricken and clearly shaken from the horrific scenes of the early game, the majority of the team entered the dressing room at half time not feeling their best.

Cameron Carter-Vickers was no different, except he had also scored a rather calamitous own goal to cause us to go into the break behind. The last one off the pitch after nearly dragging a fan over the pitch side barriers after he hurled abuse at him, Cameron smashed the door open (still complete with a Sargent head-sized hole in it), without realising that Alyssa Thompson’s family gerbil was scuttling around behind it.

What followed could only be described as the gerbil equivalent of firing a very small man out of a cannon at a circus. It was instant. Poor Gerald took flight like a tiny cannonball of destiny, ending up impaled on Naomi Girma’s peg.

It gets weirder.

Brad Guzan sauntered over, knees bandaged in electrician’s tape, wiped the blood with his glove, created warrior-like lines under his eyes and then just sprinted through the door, taking it off its hinges.

Had we let him, I think he’d have taken Gerald home for dinner.

Needless to say that Alyssa had to be subbed as she sobbed into Mallory Swanson’s tracksuit top, and we had to suspend CCV not only for the animal battery, but also nearly dismembering a fan.

I don’t even think I could have seen this one coming, gaffer.

Anyway, after that the lads and lasses were, probably rightfully, shocked to the core. We managed one win in the next six, and, due to fixture congestion thanks to The Gauntlet 2, we had to settle for basic rewards this week.

I sat alone in the dugout, wind whistling as Guzan’s knee tape floated past, thinking about what I could have differently. Honestly? I think replacing half time oranges with peppercorns might have done it.

Sorry Gaffer, Barry

Week Three

To: The Gaffer (Returned from the Shadows)
 From: Whispering Barry, Prophet-in-Residence Subject: The Fog Stirred When You Returned

Gaffer,

The fog knew before we did. It rolled in off the bypass at dawn, thick as custard, and wrapped itself around Molton Road like a mother cat around her kitten.

The floodlights flickered once, twice, and then steadied — a sure sign the universe was recalibrating.

That’s when I knew.

You were coming home.

The players felt it too. Gooch stopped mid-sprint, looked to the horizon and whispered, “He’s back like.”

Guzan, overcome by emotion or arthritis, dropped to one knee. Even the pigeons on the roof formed a perfect 4-4-2.

Before training, I gathered the squad in the centre circle. The grass was heavy with dew and unspoken tension. I raised my clipboard to the heavens — still bearing the faint scrawl of BARRYBALL — and delivered the message the cosmos had whispered to me the night before.

“As the prodigal gaffer returns through fog and flame, two stars walk beside him — one forged from crystal, the other from thorns.
 The gem will hold the middle, bending chaos into shape.
 The thorn in the opponent’s side will strike thrice, each goal louder than the last.
 And when they stand together beneath the light, Goochball shall be reborn.”

As I spoke, Crystal Dunn, all 5’1” of her, jogged out of the mist, boots shining, eyes sharper than a parking ticket womble. You could tell she’d played everywhere — her aura smelled like tactics.

Moments later, Sophia Wilson appeared behind her, laces untied, menace lurking behind a wide smile, like she already knew the net was trembling. The ball floated to her feet as if the wind itself wanted an assist.

The fog lifted. The floodlights burned clean.

And somewhere deep inside, I swear I heard the pitch whisper back: “He’s returned.”

Welcome back, gaffer. The stars are aligned, the badgers are restless, and the prophecy is in motion.

Yours in eternal Gooch,
 Barry

To: The Gaffer From: Barry, Wunder-coach Subject: P.S. – Further Reflections on the Prophecy of Crystal & Thorn

Gaffer,

Since your return, I’ve been meditating on what the stars meant when they whispered Crystal and Thorn.

At first I thought it referred to my lingering toenail fungus (clear and sharp, yet painful), but after the win against Soggy Busquets FC, the truth revealed itself.

Crystal Dunn is the gem the cosmos spoke of — precise, multifaceted, impossible to scratch. If the Americans made Swiss Army knives, they'd be modelled on here. She glides between midfield lines like she’s sneaking past security at the Mexican border. The ball clings to her like static on a nylon tracksuit — I checked for magnets, she swears she’s clean.

Sophia Wilson, on the other hand, is the Thorn — the divine irritant. The defenders hate her, the goal loves her, and she pricks at the fabric of reality every time she shoots. I saw her nutmeg a man so thoroughly he questioned his own postcode while checking his testicles were still intact.

Together they are balance: one polished, the other piercing.
That’s the beauty of Goochball — opposite forces uniting to cause chaos and devastation on unwitting opponents.

I’ve wrote the full prophecy on a Greggs napkin, but unfortunately Ballson Gooch ate it before I could file it away. The crafty little bugger.

Should the winds change or Guzan’s knees fail again, well, we’re probably fucked.

Yours in continued enlightenment,
 Barry

Week Two Record

• Matches: 12
• Wins: 9
• Draws: 1
• Losses: 2

A cool breeze snakes its way across the Molton Road pitch. The smell of hot dogs and chicken balti pies lingers in the night air, and the floodlights spark into life with a single, sad bulb flickering as if wired by a dyslexic gerbil.

After a rough opening week, Lynden Gooch rallies the lads and lasses, a speech grounded in North Eastern grit that is designed to embolden the strong and weed out the weak.

Barry, a perennial enigma, slowly paces the technical box. I can tell he has something on his mind, and one final time we pass like ships in the night as he slopes off to the dressing room.

We’re 3-2 down and my frustration is boiling over. We were in control, two goals up thanks to our Swan flying high.

But my experimental 5-2-1-2 formation has left us in tatters. An overloaded midfield, exposed wings and a certain Cameron Carter-Vickers has allowed our opponent to capitalise.

The straw that broke the camel’s back though? Phallon ‘Play-Doh’ Tullis-Joyce comes to claim a cross, only to flail like a baby falling backwards into water, leaving an open goal and the easiest finish Viktor Gyökeres will ever have.

I smash a water bottle on the floor, and it flies off into the path of Emmanuel Sabbi who’s warming up on the touchline. He steps on it. Snap. ACL gone.

However, as the water from the crushed bottle sprays up across the tunnel in the unnaturally cold evening air, there stands a lone silhouetted figure in the mist.

Everything around me falls quiet. There’s no more crowds shouting ‘you’re a wanker’. I can’t hear Goochy barking instructions, nor the sound of Sabbi writhing in pain. No, there’s an eerie, muffled quality to everything, until Barry’s words from last week cut through the silence and ring in my ears…

“The Ghost of Villains past prepare to protect you in your darkest hour.”

At that moment the figure starts towards me. As the light hit him I could see his bald head shine like a beacon. He adjusted his gloves which looked like they were straight from 2008. His knees looked stiffer than a pensioner’s, but his gaze never averted from the goal. He gave a snort of derision as he lumbered past me, a subtle sign that he was here to be the Cornerstone of our team. The linesman already had his number up.

Tullis-Joyce was gone, and there was a new sheriff in town. And his name?

Bradley. Edwin. Guzan.

Cornerstones & Clean Sheets

The full release of FC26 has arrived, and with it a new promo to get our teeth stuck into. If you weren’t already aware, Cornerstones has been good to us.

From the intro you might have gathered that we have a new goalkeeper — Atlanta United’s Brad Guzan has entered the chat, and oh boy has he made an immediate impact.

If you read the last episode you’ll know that, like a Thai brothel, clean sheets have been difficult to come by.

Not only have we been facing the mega-sweats in Early Access, but Phallon Tullis-Joyce has been, frankly, as abysmal as my defending.

Of course, as the week went on we did get to grips with the defending mechanics and we have improved, but PTJ still had arms made out of wallpaper paste.

So Guzan’s inclusion in the promo was music to my ears, and for the princely sum of 12,000 coins it was a no brainer to bring the former Aston Villa and Middlesbrough stopper into the fray.

And what a difference a Brad makes.

I was nearly bowled over when, in his first game, Big Bad Brad kept a fucking clean sheet. I genuinely couldn’t believe it. He dived across his goal, denied fidget-spinning shots inside the area and came for crosses to grab the ball like he was Vinnie Jones having a go on Gazza.

It was a revelation.

Formation Formation Formation

As much as I’d like to, I can’t place all of my (very brief) success at the feet (or hands) of Brad Guzan.

Having tried almost every formation in the book, I decided to stop shoehorning my players into a system, and build one that fit them. Due to the relatively cheap nature of the Women’s players, many of my squad have ++ roles, which I’ve noticed seems to make a big difference this year.

Barry and I put our heads together and analysed what we had — it was 10pm and we’d already sunk six pints of coffee and a whole tub of Fruit Pastilles before Baz went out for some fresh air.

He tilted his head back into the night sky. The steam from his breath mingled with the stars… and suddenly he saw it. The formation. The way forward.

Rushing back in, and without saying a word, my bleary eyes watched as he got his tactics board and magnets and furiously plotted out how we would succeed. And by Jove he had it.

As the plan came into view, it was something I’d not thought of before. A 4-1-4-1.

It utilised the best of what we had. Swanson as a LM Inside Forward++, supported by Rose Lavelle on Box-to-Box++ and Heaps on Playmaker++ giving some attacking support.

Trinity Rodman would provide width on the right hand side as a Winger++, allowing Goochy to slot into a midfield role as a Falsback. Anchoring the whole thing was Swedish Bob Seger, who’s Holding++ would help to break up attacks.

The formation had balance, attacking flair, defensively stability. This was it.

Rose & Rodman Redemption

The change was instant. Trinity Rodman started playing like a woman possessed. While I would have liked to have seen her score more goals, in her first 6 games she bagged 5 assists. Not only that, but she stretched tired defences and allowed space for Heaps to push forward and dictate the play.

Rose Lavelle is honestly mental. She is one that has come in and out of the team, mainly due to not having CDM as a role. However in that B2B position she’s an unstoppable force, and she’s everywhere like crabs & clap at Leeds Fest.

Whether it’s breaking up play and driving into midfield, or firing Low Driven+ passes into the striker, she has become a mainstay in the squad over this last week. At just 8,000 coins she’s cheaper than a steak dinner and is more likely to score.

Myself and the Molton Road faithful are still in shock and awe over Brad Guzan. A man of his age should be sitting on a dock, drinking Bud Light and fishing. But no, he’s here to flip cars and keep clean sheets, and he’s all out of cars.

I genuinely didn’t know if I would get a shut out on FC26, but thanks to Brad we’ve achieved multiple this week. Not only is he just fucking massive, but he’s spritely for a veteran. I’ve seen him pull off moves that no man should be able to do, let alone one who fought in Vietnam. Probably.

I mean, it takes him a while to get back up again thanks to those creaky knees, but the ball is always so safe it doesn’t matter — he either punches it, or the striker, into the stratosphere.

Not only has he showcased his shot-stopping prowess, but he also has Ball-Playing Keeper++. Genuinely, not a fucking clue what it does, but he’s spraying it around like a Fireman, so it’s doing something.

Turns out Barry was right about that Villain coming to save us, just like when he said he once saw Doncaster’s Brian Deane nutmeg Diego Maradona in a charity game, but nobody noticed because a ferret was loose on the pitch at the same time.

Challenge Time

Much like the dreaded Tuesday night EFL Trophy fixtures, our challenge is here to de-rail our week and aim to make us thoroughly miserable.

This week we will be Running The Gauntlet.

New for FC26, the Gauntlet mode forces you to use three separate squads across three matches, showcasing your club’s depth and your ability to use players who might not make your first team.

I’ve highlighted Squads above because, as well as your starting XI, you also cannot use the same bench twice, meaning you need a total of 54 players across the three matches.

Of course there are prizes up for grabs, in the form of useless packs from which we’ll get nothing, but our challenge is to win the Gauntlet.

Day One: Hope Day 1 got off to a super start, grabbing a win in our first gauntlet match using our USA squad. Two more matches followed, and typically I got fully EA’d. Every bounce went against me, every deflection went in, and I lost in rounds two and three, meaning we failed on our first attempt.

Day Two: False Dawn Day 2 was the polar opposite — and early loss followed by two wins, and it was just as frustrating as we dominated those second two matches.

Day 3: Rage Day 3 was much the same story – a tough 3-0 loss in the first round followed by comprehensive 8-2 and 4-0 wins, and it was evident to all that my frustration was boiling over.

Cameron Carter-Vickers showed better reflexes than he has all season to dodge a stray boot I kicked in his direction, and with good reason — should we fail in our final attempt to run the gauntlet, we have to do a forfeit.

Despite our blistering form in Rivals, where we got 9 wins, 1 draw and 2 losses to smash through our 30 point target, The Gauntlet has proven a tough nut to crack. Due to the random, round based matchmaking we’ve consistently come up against one sweat who plays the game in its frustratingly meta way, and then we’ve dominated the other two fixtures.

We need to break this cycle, so I think I’m going to switch my team order around for day four and hope that makes a difference.

Day Four: Absolute Fuckery Well, fuck. I’ve been absolutely shafted by EA and their fucking potato servers. Honestly, I think it would be more effective if I plugged my Ethernet cable into a toaster and then dropped it in the bath. It would certainly be a more enjoyable experience. After grinding out two wins, including a dramatic penalty shootout victory in Game 2, I was dominating Game 3.

I was 5-2 up in the second half and then I got absolutely EA’d. Not only did it feel like my players were running through mud, I’ve seen softer touches in that face slapping competition where they re-arrange each other’s jaws. I’m not quite sure where every motherfucker has got the funds to buy a 171,000 coin Viktor Gyökeres either, but they have. And against my nimble but rather feeble female CBs he’s absolutely had my pants down and inspected my prostate. The guy is a freak of nature.

I lost the game 5-7 AET. Pure and utter devastation.

Not because I wanted Kudus, but because a failed challenge means the Wheel of Pain & Panic comes out for the first time this series.

Barry rolls out an old Wheel of Fortune wheel with post-it notes attached to it with our forfeits. He blows off the cobwebs and gives it a good old spin.

Mercifully, it lands on ‘quick sell a random player from the first team squad’ — not the best, but certainly not the worst — and importantly it’s not administration.

We then draw out of a hat who’ll be leaving Molton Road in a taxi like they do once they’ve been fired on The Apprentice, and the unlucky man is none other than Cameron Carter-Vickers.

It’s a sad farewell for a bloke who’s played 54 games for the club, but the slight sliver of silver lining is that, when we achieve our next promotion, we can bring him back into the squad should we wish. But for now, back to Glasgow you pop CCV.

Looking Ahead

It’s been a stellar week of Goochball for Lynden and his assortment of plucky yanks. Not only did we achieve our Rivals points in record time, Brad Guzan has given us a steely edge at the back which we were desperately lacking.

Despite Big Bad Brad entering the fray to save us this week, I get the tingly feeling that we won’t be able to enjoy this honeymoon period for long. Dark clouds are forming above Molton Road and Barry whispered a strange prophecy in my ear…

“The golden child will run like lightning, but lightning cannot strike without thunder. And when the thirteenth bell tolls, a Sargant shall march his army to battle — though victory will demand a heavy sacrifice.”

Honestly, I reckon he’s been eating some ‘funny brownies’ again while watching Viking documentaries and Game of Thrones.

Tune in next episode where we see if we can grab any more Cornerstone players, and if our latest positive run of form will come undone.

Until next time, YEEHAW!

Picture the scene: a misty Tuesday night at Molton Road, the floodlights flickering like they’ve been wired up by a man who once electrocuted himself on a toaster.

Lynden Gooch is stood arms folded, captain’s armband strangling his bicep, glaring at Emmanuel Sabbi who has once again sprinted the full length of the pitch only to trip over a stray Lucozade bottle.

Whispering Barry mutters something about “the cheetah outrunning its own shadow” before wandering off to harass the linesman about his sock choice.

And yet, somehow, this chaos feels like destiny — it’s raw, unfiltered Goochball.

A Rough Start

A new FC title always brings with it a period of adjustment. I even just spent the last three months playing with cards that have all 99 stats and five PlayStyle+’s. We’re back to whatever non rare gold cards we can get our sticky hands on, and of course, there’s the inevitable gameplay tweaks that justify charging us £90 yet again.

Except this year the gameplay changes are… more extensive. The most significant change is probably to defending — gone are the days of the AI helping you out when you mistime a tackle. We’ve been plunged back into a world where defending is very manual, and a misplaced press of the X button causes your player to perform a tackle 16 yards away from the attacker, who’s already nipped passed and fired a ball so hard into the top corner that your goalkeeper actually gave birth.

I’d describe the defending on FC26 as sadomasochistic — it’s punishing, but in the best way possible.

Now, I won’t pretend that this has been a wholly enjoyable experience for me as, in three of my first four games, I faced up against a newly juiced Viktor Gyökeres – the Swede swatted aside Naomi Girma as if she were a greenfly on a warm summers day, while Cameron Carter-Vickers was sent into so many knots I’m pretty sure he’s replaced Bear Grylls as Chief Scout.

It’s been a rough time for Phallon Tullis-Joyce too, who has seen her goal be peppered more than a steakhouse on Valentine’s Day. She has made some good saves, but it also appears that her legs are made of Play-Doh as she seems incapable of getting down to even some of the easiest shots.

Challenge Time

So, having got a few games under my belt, it felt like the right time to bring in the first Challenge of the season. I have most of the big players I can feasibly afford without taking out a second mortgage, so losing a player, while frustrating, wouldn’t be the end of the world.

What consistently looms over me is the threat of administration. I’ve had a couple of lucky pack pulls which has seen me ensure the club coffers are definitively less cobwebbed than usual, and to lose that amount of coins early on would be devastating.

So we really want the gods (whichever you support is fine) to bless us with a challenge that’s achievable.

Challenge: Get enough points to earn the upgraded Rivals rewards for the week.

Now, I bet you’re thinking ‘that’s a nice one to ease him in!’ and trust me, I thought it too… at first.

And then I started playing games.

Defending the Defenceless

You have to remember that, like me, the people who have been playing FC in Early Access are largely degenerates with nothing better to do with their lives. They are the hardest of try hards. The sweatiest of sweats. The rattiest of rats.

And, given that I’m playing games on my lunch break and not even really on an evening, the problem is compounded ten fold. I’m playing the wannabe streamers who treat the trick stick like they’re going at a throbbing clitoris, the actual streamers who’s literal job it is to play the game, or the basement dwellers who have specifically taken the whole week off to spend every eye-twitching, Monster-fuelled minute to no life Early Access so they can earn some shit rewards from a football game they hate but can’t put down.

So that’s fun.

I’m not sure if the devs in Canada got a bit confused as to what kind of sports game they were coding, but it seems it got slightly confused with NBA as every game is a basketball score.

Admittedly, this has largely been my fault — defending is very manual, and when CCV is the one twirling like a Russian ballerina trying to catch the attackers, you have to remember this isn’t FC25 and the AI won’t be there to save you.

It used to be that you didn’t touch your defenders because they did the work for you — the same rule applies now, but for the opposite reason. If you touch them and make one wrong move, your opponent is clean through with precisely zero chance of you catching them.

All of this has meant that I mainly maintained a record of one win, one loss for a long time. Many relegation scraps ensued, and I managed to only dip into Div 8 once during a particularly bad five-game losing streak.

## The Rise of the Swan

The natural thing to do when you lose is to consider everything that could have gone wrong except questioning your own ability.

You get pumped 7-0? Clearly it was the tactics. Lose to a last minute wonder strike? Your central midfield couldn’t pass wind.

FC26 has epitomised this for me, as I think I have played just about every fucking formation on the planet.

This has meant lots of players going through the team in various roles, however there have been some standout performers who have survived the majority of the changes.

Mallory Swanson is a demon. She has played a variety of roles, including LM Inside Forward++, False 9++ and LW Inside Forward, and her stats show exactly why she was someone who was always going to be in the squad.

Thrown up top almost by mistake, it was a tactical gamble inspired by none other than Barry. 3-2 down in a crunch relegation game, Barry leaned in and whispered, ‘The swan who climbs highest reaps the rewards’.

To be honest I didn’t have a fucking clue what he meant, but throwing caution to the wind I switched out Biyendolo, who’d run her socks off up top, with Mallory Swanson.

What came next was nothing short of a miracle. She wriggled. Spun. Darted. She split defences like they were crumbling render on a Wigan council house. Her runs from deep were Beckenbauer-esque, her finishing matched that of Prime Henry.

Forget Alex Morgan. Forget Mia Hamm. Forget Lynden Gooch. This is the age of the Swan.

In 51 Games she bagged 55 Goals and 31 Assists, making her both the top scorer and creator in the club.

Lindsey Heaps has also been a revelation. Playing in a largely attacking midfield role, I can’t express how important Incisive Pass+ has been in unlocking defences. She has 31 goals and 20 assists in 43 games for us, and is already becoming a key member of the squad.

Last but not least is our Pre-Order Icon Caroline Seger. While many will be disappointed to have pulled her, she has been solid and dependable in both attack and defence. To say she’s largely played CDM for me, she’s chipped in with 13 goals and 15 assists, and is generally just brilliant at breaking up the play. I’m mega excited for her to go full Pokemon and ‘evolve’ in November, gaining a big stats boost and Intercept+.

The Rise and (Inevitable) Fall

When FC giveth, FC taketh away. Swanson was still scoring, but every miss, every draw, every smashed crossbar felt biblical. My Early Access form was consistently on a knife-edge, just one slip, one poor tackle away from plunging me into relegation.

By game 30, my record was battered and bruised, my ego more so. I was edging closer to that magical 30 Rivals points, but at what cost?

Trinity Rodman was someone I was very excited to use. On paper she has everything you want — pace, finishing, good roles and excellent Playstyles. But in reality I just couldn’t seem to make her work. She felt sluggish and clunky in tight spaces, and when she did get in behind she was constantly caught. She chipped in with goals but ultimately she’s been sold for the time being before any market crashes.

Phallon Tullis-Joyce was always going to have a tough time in between the sticks, however she’s been really disappointing. She’s not small, so I can’t blame it on that, and she has good Playstyles, so I can’t blame it on that either. She’s just… a bit shit. Like a condom that’s been kept on a pin cushion, she’s leaky as fuck.

Tim Howard is the obvious replacement, however he’s nearly 100k. While I can afford that, I’m thinking that money might be better spent upgrading other areas of the team for now.

Finally, Cameron Carter-Vickers has been decent enough, but nothing stand out. I expected his physicality to have an impact at both ends of the pitch, but I’ve walked away most of the time just thinking… meh.

Towards the end of the week I replaced him with Emily Sonnett and honestly the difference is night and day. Sonnett has that jammy-ness to her, she wins the ball cleanly, keeps up with defenders and is good on the ball. So for the time being, Emily is my girl.

Challenge Results

You may (or may not) be pleased to know that the Challenge was completed this week — I hit 30 Rivals points in around 30 games, which was pretty brutal if I’m honest. And the rewards? Well, they were fucking woeful. I sold my soul for 30 Rivals points and got a jumbo pack with three contracts and a stadium theme nobody asked for.

## Who’ll be the Cornerstone of my team this week?

The first full week of the game’s release sees a brand-new promo — Cornerstones.

We’ll have see whether we get any super Americans that could fit our team, as we look to go on a slightly easier Rivals run as more people fire up the game.

Whispering Barry mentioned something around the Ghost of Villains past preparing to protect me during the toughest time, but honestly I think he might be on LSD-induced come down after a week in Ibiza with Sam Allardyce. Maybe the new promo will shed some light on his cryptic words…

Until then, YEEHAW!

With Lynden Gooch cutting a lonely figure in the Molton Road dressing room, it’s about time we got him some teammates in WF3 ahead of the punishing season ahead.

Of course, given our theme for this year, they will be Americans. Duh.

But the beauty of this is that, at least to begin with, our team will likely be littered with women, because, frankly, the men are shit.

Sure, there’s ‘Captain America’ Christian Pulisic and Celtic enforcer and Spurs legend* Cameron Carter-Vickers, but when it comes to gold cards the women rule.

Now, I will admit, when planning this series out I had no information on what Season 1 would entail. We’ve since learned that there will be a large focus on Silver cards, and a little leaky birdie tells me that there will be an Eco that Yunus Musah fits into, which does change things a touch.

Formation, Formation, Formation

Like any good team, we need some sort of identity.

Pep’s Tiki Taka magic, Mourinho’s low block resilience, Klopp’s heavy metal football.

Our brand of football will likely be more… rudimentary. We don’t have the luxury of world class talent in every position, so it’s best to keep things simple (for now).

While it’s tempting to go full four-four-fucking-two, we do have to consider the players available to us early doors. Given my success with 4-2-2-2 and the abundance of central players at our disposal, it seems the sensible option, however, I’d be leaving some pretty special wide players on the cold wooden benches of Molton Road, and that’s not something I want — after all, I had Florian Neuhaus complaining of splinters in week one last year, the bloody princess.

I (eventually) want our identity to be one of free-flowing football mixed with the athleticism the US is known for. It’s a nation that create absolute cyborgs when it comes to track, field, and the pool, and I think we can do something similar on the pitch.

I’m stumping for a 4-3-3 (2), which gives me the fluidity of attack through athletic wingbacks bombing past inverted forwards, with the CDM giving me more defensive stability.

Once we have everything set up in game I’ll get Barry to whip out his tactics board for a more in-depth run through, but for now all you need to know is we’re going to fucking go for it.

With that said and done, we’ll run through our starting squad one by one, with a bit of background as to why I’ve chosen each of them:

The Starting XI

GK: Phallon Tullis-Joyce | 83

While Tim Howard would be the obvious choice between the sticks, if last year is anything to go by he will be unaffordable for a while.

That leaves me with a couple of choices — go for a male GK for height reasons, but sacrifice overall rating, or, go with a female goalkeeper for better stats but sacrifice height. Well, finesse shots have been nerfed from the beta, and I found someone who pretty much fills both roles.

Last year I used 6’1” Iker Casillas for over 500 games, and he was absolutely fine. Phallon Tullis-Joyce must have basketball players for parents, because she stands at 6’1” too, with three great play styles — far reach, cross claimer and deflector.

Plus, let’s face it, all goalkeepers are absolute dog water, so what’s the worst that can happen?

RB: Lynden Gooch | 68 | Captain

This man will need no introduction if you read Episode 3 (and if you haven’t you should).

Gooch is who this series centres around, and our talismanic captain is set to lead the way at Molton Road.

CB: Natalie Girma | 85

You might think Chelsea’s Naomi Girma would be an obvious choice at centre half, and you’d be absolutely right.

Bought for over $1m from San Diego Wave, Girma is an absolute rock. She has a coveted PlayStyle+ (Jockey) as well as base Block and Bruiser. Given her smaller stature those will be important, and she should feel nice when defending against quick attackers, especially given her 80 agility and balance.

CB: Cameron Carter-Vickers | 79

I did say that the men were rated a lot lower than the women, but Carter-Vickers brings something that non of the women can — being an absolutely huge, ‘orrible bastard.

The towering Celtic man is effectively a brick shit house on wheels, with a great pace stat and split meaning he’ll be quick over the ground. 91 Jumping and 90 Strength mean he will knock even the most hardy striker off the ball with a mere little finger, and he’s ripe for Evos as we move into the cycle.

A nice little bonus is Pinged Pass as a base Playstyle, along with 76 Short Passing meaning I should be able to get balls into my central midfielders with ease.

LB: Antonee Robinson | 82

Now I won’t lie, this one could be problematic. Robinson has had a huge boost this year, and was always a popular early-game choice due to his blistering pace and Premier League status.

On FC26 he looks like an American Alphonso Davies but with better defending. Low Agility and Balance may keep the price in check, but I expect this one to set me back a fair bit.

RCM: Yunus Musah | 74

I know, you are currently thinking I have lost my fucking mind. A silver card will be in your starter squad? Well, bear with me, young chickens.

Musah is no ordinary silver. He is a machine in the middle of the park, with well-rounded stats that are prime for an evo.

And talking of Evos, I have it on good authority that he fits one of the first for the new season, which is focussed around silver cards. He is one of the players I’m most excited for, in honesty, and he had a bonkers Evo chain in FC25, so I have high hopes.

CDM: Sam Coffey | 82

Honestly, this was the position that gave me the most headaches.

There is a plethora of talent available, from the dependable Weston McKennie or Tyler Adams, to the new kid on the block Johnny Cardoso, who frankly sounds like he should have his own Cartoon Network show.

These are all fine options, but all have downsides. Cardoso looks like a pretty bonkers card, until you realise he has about as much balance as my 3-year-old if she was on stilts and spice.

McKennie has hugely well rounded stats, with a little bit to be desired when it comes to Agility and Balance, but he lacks any decent defending Playstyles to be a lone CDM protecting effectively a back two.

Tyler Adams is probably the best of the bunch, but he has zero Playstyles. Yep, none, nada, zip. Not quite sure how that happens, but Playstyles are important to me early game.

So I turned my attention elsewhere, and stumbled upon Sam Coffey. She has similar stats to Cardoso, but importantly, absolutely glorious Playstyles for how I want to play. Base Anticipate, Block, Tiki Taka, and Incisive Pass. So, what she lacks in CDM roles (she has none), she makes up for in well-rounded stats and superb Playstyles. Sam, you’re in the team!

LCM: Rose Lavelle | 87

Our highest rated acquisition of the transfer window, even Fabrizio Romano didn’t see this coup coming.

Lavelle is going to be our midfield engine, playing as a Box-to-Box CM. She’ll be supporting the defence in one moment, then tearing up the pitch and launching attacks with her FUCKING PLAYSTYLE+. That’s right. Plus.

She’s got fantastic stats across the board and no less than SIX base Playstyles, she is going to be a lynchpin for our squad. I’ve checked her price last year and it was pretty reasonable, so I’m confident she can be in the dressing room from the start.

RW: Emmanuel Sabbi | 70

Okay, this time I might actually have lost my mind. But I have good reason.

Originally this was going to be Captain America himself, Christian Pulisic. However, upon hearing the new that Lynden Gooch would be captain forever, he threw his toys out of the pram and fucked off back to Milan for an extended leave of absence. Not one to take mutiny lightly, I have banned him until he is prepared to offer a full and unequivocal apology to myself, Lynden and the WF3 faithful*.

In his place comes Emmanuel Sabbi, who frankly, is just a cheetah disguised as a footballer. He has 90 Pace & Acceleration, and 89 Agility with 88 Balance.

That’s it. That’s the story.

His role will be simple. Run.

*this has absolutely nothing to do with needing to play three silver players for one of the Silver icon objectives. Nothing.

ST: Lynn Biyendolo | 83

Eeeee Lynn. Go on, get the Partridge jokes out of the way now.

Lynn is no joke though. She is absolutely rapid, and has the Finesse base Playstyle. She is, of course, my budget option. My hope is that I get Alex Morgan in my Icon Pre Order, but as that is as likely as me flying to America and marrying her in real life, I need strength in depth.

Trinity Rodman would be my first choice, but I know for a fact she will cost the GDP of Luxembourg at the start of the game.

Biyendolo had a 99 pace card during Grassroots Greats in FC25 which I used in objectives and it was nuts, so it felt right to bring her in from the start for FC26.

Barry did whisper something about a ‘Sargeant arriving to lead the calvary when the clock strikes 13’, but frankly I have no idea what the fuck he’s on about.

LW: Alyssa Thompson | 81

This is the player that changed my mind to include wingers. The American smashed Chelsea’s transfer record and became the third player to sign for a WSL team for £1m+ this summer, and she has a truly exciting card for FC26.

She has explosive Pace, great Attack Positioning and Finishing, and top-level Dribbling for a lower rated card. She also fits into one of the first Evos that will boost her Shooting and Pace by +1, so it was a no brainer.

Importantly, and what makes her stand out from other attackers at this early stage are her Playstyles. There are not many that have Low Driven base, and alongside Technical, First Touch and Quick Step, she is going to be a menace to those poor early right backs.

She’s already been a handful for our Lynd in training, and he’s football Jesus.

What’s next?

With our first XI complete, we’re ready to hit the pitch and start earning some rewards.

Our next episode is an exciting one — it will be the very start of FC26, including our Pre Order icon, Welcome Back packs, first challenge AND the start of our climb through the divisions.

Make sure to subscribe so that you don’t miss a thing, and until next time…

Until next time, Yeehaw!

You know what every good story needs? A hero.

A plucky underdog who rises up from nothing to beat the bad guys. Someone who you can really believe in, when everything else is going to shit. A maverick with a blistering backstory that makes you want to grab their head on both sides and ferociously kiss their forehead in a show of solitude and passionate encouragement.

Well, ladies, gents and non-binary friends, we have found our man.

He ticks a lot of the boxes for me. My maternal family are all Mackams, and this man forged his career in the industrial heartland that is the North East. I mean, I reckon he was conceived in the River Wear. Probably.

I’ve even heard that he once rolled across Roker Park, only wearing red & white striped underpants, as he gutturally chanted ‘Ho’way the lads!’ Until his voice went hoarse.

He is an American, of course. Otherwise it would be a pretty fucking stupid person to hang our hat on for this series.

He is now playing for my club, Huddersfield Town, which of course allows me, selfishly, the dual purpose of building a Town P&P this year.

And finally, we get to his name. It is one of beauty, elegance and, frankly, romance. When he arrives at our beloved Molton Road in WF3, this name will be sung by grandmas, fathers, sons and the young guns attending their first game. You could go to Bradford, Huddersfield, Sheffield, and you’d hear the incessant beating of the name…

Gooch! Gooch! Gooch!

(Hey, stop it you. I know what you’re thinking).

Gooch To Glory

Lynden Jack Gooch might very well be football Jesus.

Born on December 24th 1995, he was the Christmas miracle that has led us to this point.

Hailing from the Golden State of California, he boasts an English father and Irish mother, meaning, clearly, our boy was destined for greatness from an early age.

His ‘soccer’ (do I have to call it that now?) coach father clearly indoctrinated him in the English way of 4-4-fucking-2 from an early age, and this led to him being picked up by Sunderland at just 10 years old.

Now, if you think your 40-minute commute is a nightmare, try flying from the warm, sunny climes of California and landing in fucking Sunderland. I went to watch a match there in January 2006 when I was 15 years old, and it was so cold I still don’t think my testicles have descended back down out of my body.

But that didn’t stop our Lynd, who at the tender age of 16, battle-hardened by his years of no nonsense North East academy football, signed a scholarship and moved over full time.

Making a Mackam

Gooch would go on to spend 11 years on Wearside, earning cult status amongst Black Cats fans.

Much like his gritty English hometown, Gooch is known for his passion for the badge, never ending energy and skill on the ball — this lad will go for 90-minutes, not baulk at another 30, and then he’ll go and play football. This is something we will definitely be craving as we set off on this Hobbit-esque 52 week journey that is the FC26 RTG.

He even brings with him a winning mentality, having scored the only goal in Sunderland’s 2021 EFL Trophy final victory, as well as playing the full 90 minutes as the Black Cats began their ascent back to the pinnacle of English football by winning the League One play off final in 2022.

It’s no secret that, while the USWNT have no problem winning tournaments, the less said about the USMNT the better… (and no, we absolutely do not count the CONCACAF Nations League, before you pedants start).

So yeah, that winning mentality is important, and we’ll forgive him for ever having set foot in Stoke.

The First of Many

With just four short days to go until the release of FC26 and our first game, Goochy sits alone in his new dressing room at Molton Road, headphones on, Sweet Caroline blaring.

He will always be our captain, will always wear the number 7 shirt, and will always start every game. Whenever we can Evo him, we have to, no matter the cost. He is exempt from any punishments that would require us to quick sell him.

He is our Polaris, our rock, our guiding light in the night.

It’s now up to me and my trusty assistant, Whispering Barry*, to try and pull together a rag-tag bunch of Americans that can compete at the highest level, all while the challenges of this series loom over us like the barrel of a gun. Ooh, probably shouldn’t say that right now… anyway…

Tune in next time to see who will make up our starting squad on this monumental journey, and be joining Lynden in #GoochToGlory!

Until then, Yeehaw!

DJ

*Nobody knows Barry’s actual surname. He earned the nickname ‘Whispering Barry’ circa ‘86 while on the coaching staff for the Bulgarian national team. Opposition managers noticed that, just before something went wrong in a match, Barry would lean in and whisper to head coach Ivan Vutsov — sometimes a shrewd tactical adjustment, sometimes a cryptic phrase like “watermelon, Petrov is in the sink”.

Legend has it that he once predicted Krasimir Koev’s shoelace would snap in the 72nd minute, causing him to trip and sever his cruciate ligament. Another time, he whispered “I can smell the storm through my ear” and, sure enough, the match was abandoned due to a hurricane mere minutes later.

Some claim Barry used to work as a fortune teller in the Bulgarian travelling circus before football found him. Others insist he just has absurd cankles. All we know is, when Whispering Barry leans in during the 89th minute, everyone listens.*

We’re back again and this time we’re talking rules, regulations, challenges and, most importantly, forfeits.

Because if I spent this series just merrily trundling along like a hobbit through the fields of The Shire, packing players here, buying them there, there would be no… drama.

We need something that will create stories, that will allow silver legends to rise out of the ashes of a freshly discarded first XI like a phoenix. We need jeopardy as I face an uphill battle to complete a challenge so I don’t lose my star striker, or, worse, go into Administration.

Nothing good ever came easy, and I don’t plan on making this a walk in the park in the hope it brings longevity, entertainment and fun.

A Recap of the Rules

We set out the rules that will govern this series in Episode 1:

• I can only use players from the USA
• There is no initial ratings cap on my starter team
• I get two Wildcard spots, which can be non-USA players but must be icons or heroes
• If the player is a new icon or hero for FC26, they can be packed or an SBC
• If it’s an existing icon or hero, they must be packed
• Each week I will have a challenge to complete
• The ‘week’ will run Thursday to Thursday to match Division Rivals
• If I beat the challenge I get to open packs
• If I lose the challenge, I have to spin the Wheel of Pain & Panic

So those are the rules — they may well fluctuate as the series progresses, and I’ll try and keep them in line with the Power Curve of the game.

Challenge Time

Now for the bit I know you’re all waiting for, the challenges I’ll have to face each week in order to a) keep my team together and b) open packs for the chance at better ones.

As mentioned last time, challenges are designed to be difficult but not impossible — some may be easier than others, and they will be chosen at random each week.

We want some I’m a Celeb/ Crystal Maze style jeopardy here, we’re not looking for me being strapped to a table in a torture dungeon jeopardy (get that image out of your head now, ha!).

So, let’s get into it…

Run The Gauntlet (NEW for FC26) Run the Gauntlet across five games in the new UT mode — you’ll need to use a completely different squad for each game, but all must be from the USA.

• 0 wins = Adminstration
• 1 win = quicksell highest rated player from the losing match
• 2 wins = quicksell player who had the lowest match rating in the losing game
• 3 wins = nothing!
• 4 wins = open the rewards
• 5 wins = open the rewards and buy any player

Cup Run (NEW for FC26) Win a tournament — depending on requirements this doesn’t have to be a full USA squad.

Happy Wife, Happy Life Get wife to choose the team — win the game

Lack of Legs Win a game using the slowest players in the club

Play The D Win a game using only CBs

Beginners Luck? Win a game using two button settings...

Sir Alexa Ferguson I say the name of the player, Alexa chooses a number between 1 and 18 for where they go in the team — win the game using this squad

Leftie is Bestie Win a game using left footers only

David Win a game using the players with lowest stats for each area – so defenders with lowest DEF, mids with lowest PAS, strikers with lowest SHO

Goliath Use your highest rated players, but if you lose, they go!

Tri-Color Win a game using a starting XI consisting of 4 Bronze, 4 Silver and 3 Gold players

Attack Vs Defence Win a game using all out attack in the first half, drop back 1 depth in the second

Hobbiton FC Win a game using smallest players available – one keeper then smallest outfield players no matter the position

Sky High Win a game using the tallest players available, one keeper then 10 outfield players no matter what position

He’s No Finnish He’s Only 28 Win a game using no player under 28 years old

Young Guns Win a game using no player over 19 years old

Debut Delight Win a game using only players who haven't played before (in Rivals), can play

Home Or Away Handicap If playing at home, score two own goals at the start of the game, if playing away, add two goals onto your final goals total — win the game

(S)he’s a Keeper Win a game using a Starting XI of goalkeepers

Full House Win enough games to earn the full Division Rivals Rewards for that week

Some of these challenges will be, erm, tricky. I don’t fancy rocking into a sweaty Rivals game with a starting XI of goalkeepers, nor does needing four bronze players sound like much fun…

I fully expect to have my prostate examined at various points while trying to complete these challenges, and the ‘win’ aspect in almost all of them will likely be tricky. I’m sure I could eke out the odd draw, but winning? Oh dear…

Next time we dive into what our starter team will be, including the ONE player we’re going to build this whole thing around…

Until next time, Yeehaw!

DJ

I say it every year, but it’s becoming increasingly apparent that my masochistic tendencies are a real problem.

I’m not saying EAFC25 was bad, but it was frustrating. It was like those dreams you have where you’re running towards something really enticing, let’s say, Margot Robbie or a big slice of pizza, and you are running so hard, reaching out with every fibre of your being, but you just can’t get there. Your legs are pumping but the ground ain’t thumping.

It was very close to being a good game, but as always EA decided to patch it into oblivion early, only to never actually fix a lot of the broken mechanics until it was too late.

I mean, fuck me, they had to give away a free Zinedine Zidane, Jude Bellingham, Maradonna and Franz Beckenbauer just to increase retention and player numbers.

For FC25 I decided to go with a Borussia Monchengladbach P&P squad, which I have to admit was fun. I’ve ended the cycle with some club legends, including Tim '“Smallservice” Kleindienst, Jonas Hofmann, and my favourite, the Future Stars Icon Rocco Reitz.

This was me easing myself back into the series, having taken a break from FC24 thanks to my twins entering the wild savages stage of their toddlerhood, and generally just having less time due to work being crazy.

As the twins get older and are now in nursery, and I settle into a new remote job, I find myself with slightly more time to devote to one of these series. I’m not sure who will actually read these, but fuck it, as Robbie (Williams, not Margot) would say, let me entertain you.

A New Era

Now, I do like an EAFC challenge. I do try and avoid the meta, because these rats need to be humbled. I’m here for a good time, and that means using players you love, evo-ing the ones you don’t know, and creating a legacy that lives on for years to come, much like the classic FUT days.

One thing I really wanted to do going into EAFC 26 is use women’s players — having taken ‘24 off and running a Gladbach team in ‘25, I’ve only used them fleetingly in friendlies and for objectives since they were added to the game. And it’s not as if EA haven’t juiced them — you look at some of the top female players and they are head and shoulders above their male counterparts when it comes to stats, if not stature.

This means a hybrid approach between the men’s and women’s game is entirely feasible, which also means a one nation team is likely going to be my friend when it comes to chemistry.

I began by going back to FC25 and seeing how many women there were from each nation, which would give me an idea of which might be the best mix.

The results are as follows:

USA: 260 Spain: 258 Germany: 257 France: 150 England: 99 Holland: 49 Sweden: 38 Canada: 34 Switzerland: 29 Scotland: 28 Austria: 24 Brazil: 23 Denmark: 22 Italy: 22 Japan: 22 Norway: 21 Australia: 19 Portugal: 18 Rep. Ireland: 18 Poland: 17 Nigeria: 14 Wales: 11

Now, I do want to have a good mix, so while the obvious choices of Euro finalists Spain and winners England might look appealing with decent numbers and top stats, I feel like that would be too easy given the quality of both the men’s and women’s teams from those nations.

Canada has some interesting choices, with Alphonso Davies, Jonathan David and FC25 legend Bombito leading the charge for the men, but the quality quickly drops off — no one wants to be stuck with Scott Arfield pulling the strings.

Portugal is another than intrigues me, but while the men have an abundance of talent and some great Evo options, the women do lack the quality to even make a starter squad that will be semi-competitive.

One that truly caught my eye, and very nearly become the theme for this year, was Nigeria. With the likes of Kanu and Jay Jay Okocha as heroes, both the men (Osimhen, Lookman) and women (Oshoala, Ajibade) have some amazing talent that would give me great options — my only concern is a lack of depth, with relatively few gold options available it means I’d be reliant on Evos to bolster the squad.

While last year I would have said ‘fuck yeah!’, the introduction of paid Evos and their prevalence towards the end of the FC25 cycle has made me cautious — who would have thought EA would monetise the best part of the game?! Wild, I know.

America, Fuck Yeah!

So, what theme ARE we going with this year?

Well, we’re Making America Great Again, without the dose of fascism and authoritarianism. Hopefully.

The USA ladies boast a huge wealth of talent — and actually, in a turn up for the books, are better than pretty much all of their male counterparts.

While Sophia Wilson and Trinity Rodman might be out of my reach early doors due to their rapid pace and clinical finishing, the likes of Rose Lavelle, Mallory Swanson and Lindsey Horan should be easily attainable in the early game. On the men’s side, we have Captain America Christian Pulisic, as well as Spurs Legend* Cameron Carter-Vickers. Sergino Dest & Antonee Robinson add some pace to the full back roles, and we have a starter team that’s looking tastier than an iHop brekkie.

There is a caveat to my American Adventure — I’m introducing the concept of Wildcards for this year. This is mainly thanks to Pablo Aimar being added to the list of Ultimate Team Heroes — Aimar was one of my favourite players growing up, and I loved watching him, David Albelda, Vincente, David Villa and Mista at Valencia, and I couldn’t be more excited to try him this year.

However there is one oh so small sticking point… he is anything but American. He is, in fact, very Argentinian.

Wildcards allow me to use Icons or Heroes in my team who aren’t from the USA. However, this in itself does have rules. If it’s a new Icon or Hero being added to the game for FC26, I can either pack them or complete an SBC.

However, if it’s a previously added Icon or Hero (that isn’t from the USA), I can only use them as a Wildcard if I pack them. That means that, should a miracle greater than the resurrection of Christ occur and I actually do pack an Icon or Hero, bingo! They’re in the team.

And with that, Stars & Stripes FC is born. USA! USA! USA!

The (Not Boring) Rules

Normally, rules are boring as fuck. But not this time.

Because while we want to keep the core of our group together, what’s better than a bit of jeopardy? I once asked one of my best friends what would make a series like this entertaining for him, and he replied, “seeing you in as much pain as possible.”

So there’s that. Who needs enemies eh?

I believe there is a formula for entertainment — as the amount of pain someone experiences increases, the amount of enjoyment someone gets from watching that person in pain also increases.

Obviously, I’m not talking about 24 Hours in A&E here… more the I’m a Celeb kinda entertainment. Okay, it’s not a perfect formula.

I’ve not implemented any team restrictions early on, as if FC25 is anything to go by I’ll be up against super squads within 6 minutes, and I don’t want to be rolling into Rivals with silver players.

So my limiting factor will be budget, obviously, however if I do start to fail then there will be punishments (and pain).

Each week I’ll have a challenge to complete, which could be something as easy as score 20 goals in 8 games, hit upgraded rewards in Rivals, or as difficult as win a match with only GKs, or the dreaded ‘let my wife pick my team’.

The scale and scope of those challenges will evolve throughout the season as my team improves, and if there is actually anyone reading these, then please do send in challenges for me to complete! You’ll get a shout out, and I won’t be paying for them, but you’ll be… featured?!

Should I win the challenge, I get to open packs (which isn’t really a reward, knowing my luck). Should I fail the challenge… well, out comes the Wheel of Pain & Panic.

It is absolutely as dramatic as it sounds, because this is not a wheel I want to be spinning. The number one thing on this wheel I want to miss is Administration.

If I land on this, I have to buy something for the total amount of coins I have, then quick sell it, leaving me with nothing but my tail between my legs, and my assistant manager and myself sharing an office chair in a hole-ridden Portakabin which smells of squirrel faeces.

Of course, in real life, when a club goes into Administration, they lose points, often resulting in relegation.

Our fate will be no different – if we go into Administration, we get to utilise the shiny, re-instated relegation feature and drop a division, stunting our progress towards eternal glory, a golden statue outside the White House, and our very own arsenal of semi-automatic weapons.

In terms of the other delightful items for us to land on, we have:

• Quick Sell a random club player
• Quick Sell a random first team player
• Quick Sell a random first XI player
• Quick Sell highest rated player
• Quick Sell the player with the highest rating from the last match
• Quick Sell most valuable player
• Relegation

Needless to say, I will be hoping to avoid failed challenges — should we get the challenge where we have to play with players under 5’4” though, we might be in trouble.

I’ll have more information on the challenges I’ll start with in the next post, but for now, the challenge is set! We’re off to the States, and we’re going to metaphorically shoot shit up.

Yeehaw!

DJ